Thursday, 20 January 2011

Dragostea adevarata / True Love

Dragostea este o constanta in viata noastra chiar si atunci cand noi credem ca ne lipseste. Este ceea ce cautam sa obtinem de cele mai multe ori din exterior, de la persoane semnificative din viata noastra, uitand, de cele mai multe ori, ca, daca nu o avem in interior, nu avem cum sa ne dam seama ca o primim si din exterior. Iar aceasta este problema pe care foarte multi din oamenii care ajung la mine vor sa o rezolve in sesiunile de coaching. Iar in urma cu cateva zile am citit un articol tematic primit de la Arielle Essex, coach si trainer britanic, care este foarte bine structurat si dezvoltat si pe care l-am tradus in romana ca sa-l postez aici. 

Love is a constant aspect in our life even when we think we don't have it. It is what we seek to obtain from the exterior in most of the cases, from significant people in our life, forgetting most of the time that, if we don't have it within us, we can't perceive it when we receive it from others. And this is the problem which most of the people that come to me want to solve during the coaching sessions. And a couple of days ago I read an article by Arielle Essex, British coach and trainer, which is well structured and developed, and I decided to post it here both in Romanian and English.


Dragostea adevarata
Traducere si adaptare dupa Arielle Essex, coach si trainer britanic
English version below

"Tu esti tapiseria vietii tale, pe rand, cu cate un fir de pasiune." Alan Cohen


Ai cazut in capcana obsesiei fata de iubire? Ai auzit acele povesti cu Ilene Cosanzene si Feti Frumosi atunci cand erai copil si crezi ca nu poti fi pe deplin fericit/a fara acea persoana speciala care sa te 'completeze'? 

De pretutindeni, muzica pop, televizorul, filmele si revistele te bombardeaza cu cantece de dragoste, povesti de dragoste si sfaturi. Foloseste machiajul, parfumul sau hainele adecvate, condu masina care trebuie si mergi in vacantele care trebuie si poate ca visul tau se va implini.

Regizorii cunosc fiecare temere, fiecare fantezie, fiecare formula care sa-ti inculce idealurile romantice. Unde poti intalni persoana potrivita, cum poti fi sigur/a ca este persoana potrivita si cum o/il faci sa te iubeasca? Esti suficient de atractiv/a? El/ea bifeaza toate casutele de pe lista ta? Va dura sau iti va frange inima?

Si, pana la urma, ce este dragostea? Cei de la Beatles au marturisit intr-un interviu "cantam foarte mult despre dragoste, dar toata lumea stie ca, de fapt, ne referim la sex". Iar sexul este doar una dintre multele nevoi pe care oamenii spera sa si le satisfaca intr-o relatie.

Din pacate, aceasta confuzie intre iubire si satisfacerea nevoilor provoaca o gramada de probleme. Chiar si atunci cand iubirea este prezenta intr-o relatie, lupta pentru satisfacerea nevoilor poate arunca in bezna sentimentele profunde de iubire. Sau, fara sa fii constient/a de lipsa satisfacerii acestor nevoi, incepi sa te simti nefericit/a, neimplinit/a sau nesatisfacut/a.

Nu este nimic in neregula cu a avea nevoi. Atat timp cat traiesti intr-un corp fizic, nu poti supravietui fara aer, apa, caldura, mancare si iubire. Conform lui Anthony Robbins, oamenii au sase nevoi de baza care le guverneaza comportamentul:
1. Nevoia de siguranta
2. Nevoia de nesiguranta
3. Nevoia de importanta
4. Nevoia de conectare, iubire
5. Nevoia de crestere
6. Nevoia de a contribui

Bineinteles, nu ai nevoie de o relatie speciala pentru a-ti satisface aceste nevoi. Numai ca iubirea poate fi confundata cu alte nevoi. Multi oameni nu-si gasesc parteneri pentru ca ei cauta pe cineva care sa le satisfaca toata nevoile de pe o lista foarte lunga. Ei nu cauta iubire. De cate ori nu ai auzit oameni plangandu-se ca partenerul/a nu le ofera siguranta, le restrange libertatea si nevoia de aventura, nu ii respecta sau nu-i apreciaza la adevarata lor valoare, nu comunica, le inhiba cresterea sau ii impiedica sa-si traiasca viata pe care o viseaza?

"Adevarata iubire incepe atunci cand nu se asteapta nimic in schimb." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Iubirea neconditionata este singura iubire adevarata. Si nu are nimic de-a face cu satisfacerea nevoilor. Iubirea adevarata este o stare de a fi, in care dorinta de a oferi apare natural si fara vreo conditionare. Iubirea reprezinta alegerea de a fi in acea stare in care oferi cu adevarat. Atunci cand poti spune "Te iubesc si nu e nevoie sa faci ceva pentru asta." Oferi dragoste cu adevarat doar atunci cand nu-ti faci probleme absolut deloc daca primesti ceva la schimb. Astfel de iubire are o sursa infinita, dar este rara.

Cu cat oferi mai multa dragoste, cu atat ai mai multa dragoste de oferit. Este precum un canal pentru o substanta invizibila care curge prin tine. Iubirea reprezinta natura ta interioara adevarata, dar este prezenta cel mai bine atunci cand alegi sa o oferi si sa o primesti mai intai de la tine insuti/insati. Iar apoi o poti oferi dezinteresat si celorlalti din preaplinul inimii.

Oamenii spun ca "iubirea apare atunci cand te astepti mai putin". De fapt asta inseamna ca iubirea apare doar dupa ce ai invatat sa-ti satisfaci singur/a propriile nevoi si nu mai cauti pe altcineva care sa-ti umple golurile din interiorul tau.
Toate acele povesti pentru copii sunt parabole despre uniunea dintre minte si inima, dintre emisfera stanga si cea dreapta, pretuind atat logica cat si sentimente, si devenind o fiinta umana intreaga. Este o greseala sa crezi ca cineva trebuie sa fie "jumatatea ta". Pana cand nu sunt prezente doua fiinte umane intregi, tot ceea ce este posibil este sa-l folosesti pe celalalt ca pe o carja si sa va targuiti intre voi nevoile cui sa fie satisfacute. Si pentru ca nimeni altcineva nu iti poate satisface vreodata nevoile decat tu insuti/insati, faptul ca il faci in mod invariabil pe celalalt responsabil pentru asta se va termina intr-o dezamagire pentru tine.

Fericirea depinde de modul in care tu iti satisfaci cele sase nevoi de baza. Aspectele asupra carora iti concentrezi atentia sunt cele care au impact asupra implinirii, scopului si bucuriei tale. Viata ta poate fi implinita doar atunci cand aceste nevoi sunt satisfacute.

"Daca vreti sa fiti iubiti, iubiti si fiti demni de a fi iubiti." Benjamin Franklin

Cat de bine iti satisfaci cele sase nevoi de baza?


Nevoia de siguranta:
Iti poti satisface singur/a nevoia de protectie si securitate?
Unde si in ce te increzi si ai credinta?
Cat de confortabil/a esti cu schimbarea si haosul?

Nevoia de nesiguranta:
Cat de multa aventura, distractie si risc iti doresti?
Ce fel de surprize si de provocari iti plac?
Ce anume iti creste nevoia de varietate si iti condimenteaza viata?

Nevoia de importanta:
Ce anume te face sa te simti unic/a si important/a?
Ce anume iti mareste respectul si iti ofera valoare si importanta?
Ce realizari contribuie la identitatea ta?

Nevoia de conectare, iubire:
Cat de bine iti canalizezi energia iubirii?
Cat de multa iubire oferi cu adevarat si fara sa astepti ceva in schimb?
Pe care dintre aspectele frumusetii le apreciezi si le impartasesti?

Nevoia de crestere:
Cum cresti, te dezvolti si inveti?
Ce te ajuta sa-ti largesti si sa-ti sustii evolutia?
Ce altceva poti face pentru a-ti sustine scopul in viata?

Nevoia de a contribui:
Mergi dincolo de satisfacerea nevoilor proprii?
Oferi vreodata pur si simplu, fara vreun motiv anume?
In ce fel iti satisfaci Scopul mai inalt?


True Love
Arielle Essex, British coach and trainer

"You weave the tapestry of your life one thread of passion at a time." Alan Cohen

Have you fallen into the trap of being obsessed with the concept of love? Did you hear those stories of fairy princesses and handsome Prince Charmings as a child and think you could never be truly happy without that special person to 'complete' you?

Everywhere you go, pop music, TV, movies, and magazines bombard you with love songs, love stories, and love advice. Wear the right make-up, perfume, deodorant or clothes, drive the right car and go on the right holidays, and perhaps your dreams will come true.


Filmmakers know every insecurity, every fantasy, every formula to hook your romantic ideals. Where can you meet the right person, how can you be sure they are the right person, and how can you get them to love you? Are you attractive enough? Do they tick all your boxes? Will it last or will they break your heart?

Just what is this love all about? The Beatles once admitted during an interview, 'we sing a lot about love, but everyone knows we mean sex.' And sex is only one of the many needs people hope to get fulfilled in a relationship.


Unfortunately, this confusion between love and getting needs met causes a great deal of problems. Even when love is present in a relationship, fighting to get your needs met can completely obscure the true feelings of love underneath. Or without being consciously aware of those unmet needs, you just start feeling unhappy, unfulfilled or unsatisfied.

There is nothing wrong with having needs. As long as you live in a physical body, you can't survive without air, water, warmth, food and love. According to author, Anthony Robbins, people have another six basic needs that drive behaviour:
1. Certainty
2. Uncertainty
3. Significance
4. Connection, Love
5. Growth
6. Contribution

Of course, you don't need a special relationship to meet these needs. But love can get confused with other needs. Lots of people can't find partners because they're looking for someone to meet all the needs on some long checklist. They are not looking for love. How often do you hear people complain about how their partner doesn't make them feel secure, holds them back from being free and adventurous, doesn't respect or value them, doesn't communicate, inhibits their growth or prevents them living the life of their dreams?

"True love begins when nothing is looked for in return." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Unconditional love is the only true love. It has nothing to do with getting needs met. True love is a state of being, where giving occurs naturally with no strings attached. Love is a choice to be in that state of true giving. When you can say 'I love you, but it is no concern of yours'. When you can genuinely not worry about what comes back, only then are you giving love. There's an infinite supply of this kind of love, but it's rare.


The more love you give, the more becomes available for you to give. It's like being a channel for an invisible physical substance flowing through you. Love is your true inner nature, but it flows best when you choose to give and receive it for yourself first. Then you can freely give to others from the overflow of your heart.

People often say 'love will occur when you least expect it to happen'. What this actually means is that love will occur after you have learned to meet your own needs rather than looking for someone else to fill the gaping holes inside of you.

All those children's fairy tales were parables about joining head and heart, marrying left and right brain hemispheres, valuing both logic and feelings, and becoming a whole human being. It's a mistake to think that someone should be your 'other half'. Until two whole human beings are present, all that is possible is to prop each other up and barter over who gets their needs met. Because no one can ever satisfy your needs but you, invariably making someone else responsible will end in disappointment.

Happiness depends on how well you satisfy each of the six basic needs. Where you focus your attention most will also impact your fulfillment, purpose and joy. Life can only feel meaningful when these needs are well satisfied.

"If you would be loved, love and be lovable." Benjamin Franklin

How well do you meet the 6 basic needs?

Certainty:
Can you provide your own safety & security?
Where & in what do you put your faith & trust?
How comfortable are you with change & chaos?

Uncertainty:
How much adventure, fun & risk feel exciting?
What surprises & challenges do you enjoy?
What would increase variety & spice up your life?

Significance:
What makes you feel unique & important?
What increases respect, value & significance?
What achievements add to your identity?

Connection and Love:
How well do you channel the energy of love?
How much love do you truly & freely give?
What aspects of beauty do you appreciate & share?

Growth:
How are you growing, developing, & learning?
What helps broaden & deepen your evolution?
How else could you serve your purpose better?

Contribution:
Do you go beyond getting your needs met?  
Do you ever just give for no good reason?
In what ways do you serve a Higher Purpose? 

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

SUPERB

multumesc

Mugur said...

Cu drag. Ma bucur ca ti-a placut postarea.

Anonymous said...

multumesc frumos!asteptam, sincera sa fiu, cu nerabdare, o noua postare!

carmen said...

oau!!!
o postare noua, ce bucurie! :)

foarte frumos si absolut adevarat.
cand iubim cu adevarat iubim si atat. din tot sufletul si cu toata fiinta noastra. fara sa cantarim cat oferim si daca primim ceva in schimb.

Mugur said...

Ma bucur ca iti plac postarile mele si fac tot posibilul sa gasesc timpul necesar ca sa scriu macar o data pe saptamana pe blog.

Mugur said...

Carmen, multumesc frumos! :)

Asa este, cand iubim cu adevarat, iubim si atat! Iar daca si asteptam ceva la schimb, macar sa fim constienti ca facem asta si ca depinde de ceilalti daca ne ofera sau nu ceea ce asteptam de la ei :)