Ce stiu oamenii fericiti / What Happy People Know

O prietena draga mie, care este coach in Marea Britanie, mi-a trimis prin e-mail un articol interesant scris de dr. David S. Kantra (doctor in psihologie). Mi-a placut atat de mult incat m-am decis sa-l traduc si sa-l postez pe blog :)

Nu ai nevoie de studii de psihologie pentru a-ti da seama cand nu esti pe drumul cel bun, ci, pur si simplu, aceasta constatare navaleste peste tine. Poate ca te trezesti intr-o zi si iti dai seama ca ceva nu este in regula. Iar cateva dintre semne sunt:

- Nu vrei sa te dai jos din pat.

- Iti este greu sa te auto-motivezi pentru a face activitati de rutina.

- Ai indoieli in ceea ce te priveste.

- Te simti usor deprimat/a zile intregi.

- Mananci mai mult si/sau folosesti alcoolul sau drogurile pentru a te simti mai bine sau pentru a evada.

- Te simti adesea obosit/a in mod cronic, fara energie si entuziasm.

- Te simti plictisit/a sau nu ai stare.

- Ai vrea sa fii in alta parte.

- Adesea ai dureri de cap sau esti deranjat/a la stomac.

- Dormi prea putin sau prea mult sau ai somnul agitat.

- Ai in mod frecvent vise urate sau cosmaruri.

- Dormi mai mult decat ti-ai propus.

Aceste simptome tind sa apara atunci cand ne concentram prea mult atentia asupra lucrurilor despre care, in mod eronat, credem ca ne aduc bucurii:

- bani

- statut social

- putere

- posesiuni

- petrecerea timpului liber

Trasatura comuna in toate aceste arii este mai mult, mai mult, mai mult. Concentrandu-ne intotdeauna pe dorinta noastra de a avea si mai mult este o modalitate sigura de a ne provoca sentimente de insatisfactie si nefericire. In schimb, putem utiliza aceste simptome negative ca pe un semn ca avem nevoie sa facem schimbari in viata noastra, intocmai precum utilizam boala ca pe un semn de a avea mai multa grija de sanatatea noastra fizica.

Iar acum vine intrebarea ce STIU oamenii fericiti? Studiile indica ca oamenii fericiti isi conduc viata dupa urmatoarele idealuri:

• Concentreaza-te asupra zilei de astazi - recolta de maine incepe cu plantarea semintelor astazi. Traieste astazi astfel incat sa pregatesti o zi de maine si mai fericita. Donalt Trump a spus la un moment dat: "Imi planific viitorul concentrandu-ma exclusiv asupra zilei de azi. Aici e toata distractia."
• Mentine-ti viata simpla - haideti sa recunoastem, viata poate deveni complicata intr-un mod foarte simplu. Petrece 15 minute, in fiecare zi, timp de o saptamana, pentru a te gandi la elementele care contribuie la a-ti face viata atat de complicata si cauta sa faci schimbarile necesare.
• Apreciaza ceea ce ai - fa-ti o lista cu tot ceea ce te face sa fii recunoscator /recunoscatoare si citeste lista de doua ori pe zi.
• Invata sa lasi ca unele lucruri sa se duca - ingrijorarea poate fi unul dintre cele mai importante elemente care contribuie la nefericire. Atunci cand esti ingrijorat/a, fa ceva sau accepta ca nu poti face nimic si LASA SA SE DUCA. Mark Twain spunea: "Am avut multe necazuri, dar multe dintre ele nu s-au intamplat vreodata."
• Acorda importanta caracterului - ia decizii bune, traieste-ti viata cu credinta si cu scop si fa tot posibilul sa-i faci sa se simta bine pe toti cei cu care interactionezi. Winston Churchill spunea candva: "Caracterul se poate manifesta in momente marete, dar este format in momentele aparent mai putin importante."
• Fii optimist/a - studiile arata ca oamenii optimisti traiesc mai mult, sunt mai putin inclinati catre depresie, anxietate sau alte afectiuni psihice, se bucura de o sanatate mai buna, isi revin mai repede dupa o boala sau operatie si au mai mult succes in viata. Obisnuieste-te sa vezi jumatatea plina a paharului si nu jumatatea goala.
• Fii flexibil/a atunci cand te confrunti cu dificultati - oamenii fericiti pot experimenta dificultatile in acelasi mod ca oamenii nefericiti, numai ca oamenii fericiti fac mai usor limonada din lamaile lor.

Image credits: Toxel.com

A dear friend of mine, who is a coach in UK, sent me by e-mail an interesting article written by dr. David S. Kantra, PsyD. I liked it very much so I decided to post it on blog together with its translation into Romanian :)

You don’t need a degree in psychology to know when you’re off-track, but sometimes it creeps up on you. It can seem like you wake up one day and realize that things are not right. These are a few of the signs:

- You don’t want to get out of bed.

- You have a hard time motivating yourself to do routine tasks.

- You have doubts about yourself.

- You feel mildly depressed for days at a time.

- You overeat and/or use alcohol and drugs to feel better or escape.

- You often feel chronically tired, de-energized, and listless.

- You feel bored or restless.

- You wish you were somewhere else.

- You often have headaches or stomach upset.

- You sleep too little, too much, or restlessly

- You have frequent bad dreams or nightmares.

- You oversleep.

These symptoms tend to occur when we spend too much time focusing on the things we mistakenly believe will bring us happiness, such as:

- Money

- Status

- Power

- Possessions

- Leisure

The common theme in all these areas is more, more, more. Always focusing on wanting more is a sure way to bring about feelings of discontent and unhappiness. Instead, we can use these negative symptoms as a sign that we need to make changes in our lives, just as we use illness as a sign to take better care of our physical health.

So you ask, what DO happy people know? Studies indicate that happy people live by the following ideals:

• Focus on today – Tomorrow’s banner crop begins with planting the seeds today. Live today with purpose to set the stage for a happier tomorrow. Donald Trump has said, “I plan for the future by focusing exclusively in the present. That’s where the fun is.”
• Keep life simple – Face it, life tends to become complicated way too easily. Set aside 15 minutes each day for a week to think about what elements contribute to making your life so complicated, and strive to make necessary changes.
• Appreciate what you have – Make a list of everything for which you are thankful and read the list twice a day.
• Learn to let some things go – Worry may be the single most important contributor to unhappiness. When bothered by a worry, either do something about it or realize nothing can be done about it and LET IT GO. Mark Twain once said, “I have known many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
• Value character – Make good decisions, live life with faith and purpose, and strive to leave each person with whom you interact feeling good. Winston Churchill once said, “Character may be manifested in great moments, but it is made in the small ones.”
• Be optimistic – Studies show that optimistic people live longer, are less prone to depression, anxiety and other mental disorders, enjoy better health, recover better from illnesses and surgeries, and enjoy more success in life. Practice seeing the cup half full rather than half empty.
• Be resilient when confronted with setbacks - Happy people are just as likely to experience setbacks as unhappy people, but happy people more easily make lemonade out of their lemons.

Emotiile noastre sau ale celorlalti? / Our emotions or others'?

Aseara am revazut The Air I Breathe iar citatul cu care incepe filmul m-a pus putin pe ganduri:

"Nicio emotie, intocmai precum un val, nu isi poate pastra pentru mult timp forma sa individuala." - Henry Ward Beecher

Filmul este de fapt o drama care pleaca de la proverbul chinezesc care spune ca, in viata, exista, patru emotii principale: fericirea, placerea, regretul si iubirea.

Mi-a venit in minte cat suntem de gregari ca fiinte si cum avem nevoie de ceilalti pentru a ne valida propriile experiente si emotii sau chiar avem nevoie ca ei sa ni le procure. Si cum, un cuvant sau o privire ne pot schimba starea instantaneu, in mai bine sau in mai rau.

O prietena imi spunea ca ideea de criza economica in Romania nu a marcat-o in niciun fel o perioada destul de lunga. Afacerea ei continua sa functioneze la aceeasi parametri pana in momentul in care, coplesita de ceea ce vedea la TV si auzea la radio si in jurul ei, i-a intrat in cap ca trecem printr-o perioada de criza. Si, atunci, si-a dovedit cu varf si indesat ca e criza iar afacerea a inceput sa mearga in jos... Fiind totusi o persoana evoluata si-a dat seama ca isi crea viitorul in functie de ceea ce ii dadeau ceilalti voie sa creada ca e posibil pentru ea. Si si-a spus "STOP" si a reinceput sa creada ca afacerea ei va redeveni infloritoare si schimbarea s-a produs. A reinceput sa faca tot posibilul ca afacerea sa functioneze.

Un client imi spunea recent, intr-una din sesiunile de coaching, ca a facut tot ceea ce social e acceptat ca fiind drumul catre succes. Are o familie frumoasa, are bani si o cariera de succes si, totusi, ii lipseste ceva ce nu apare in vreun manual al succesului. La finalul sesiunii mi-a spus ca stie cu ce vrea sa continuam la urmatoarele sesiuni: "Vreau sa-mi gasesc drumul meu in viata. Vreau sa descopar ce ma implineste pe mine si sa fac."

"L-am gasit pe Fat Frumos! E destept, frumos, are succes, e tot ceea ce isi poate dori o femeie de la un barbat!" imi spunea saptamana trecuta o clienta la coaching. "Si nu stiu cum sa-l fac sa-mi spuna ca ma iubeste. Vreau sa-mi spuna si mie cineva ca ma iubeste, ca sunt frumoasa, ca sunt desteapta...". Instinctiv am intrebat-o "Si TU ce iti spui tie insati?" Mi-a raspuns usor derutata: "Eu nu cred ca ma iubesc... Si nu stiu daca sunt frumoasa si desteapta... Intotdeauna astept ca ceilalti sa-mi spuna." Oare cum de vrem ca altii sa faca si sa spuna ceea ce noi nu avem curajul sa facem si sa ne spunem?

Oare vrem intr-adevar ca ceilalti sa ne furnizeze emotii de care noi insine nu suntem capabili? Ma intreb daca pe termen lung aceasta strategie e sustenabila? Oare cat timp ne putem hrani din emotiile altora sperand ca, la un moment dat, sa se produca o scanteie in noi insine care sa ne scoata la iveala propriile emotii? Si ce facem atunci cand persoanele care ne 'oferea' fericire, placere sau iubire 'pleaca' din viata noastra? Cautam repede pe altcineva care sa le ia locul? Da, poate ca e mai usor ca altii sa ne prinda pestii si noi sa nu invatam vreodata sa pescuim :)

Iar ca sa spulber orice urma de indoiala, nu spun ca suntem autosuficienti emotional. Avem nevoie de oamenii din jurul nostru, totul este sa fim constienti de influenta pe care o au ei asupra noastra, buna sau rea, si sa fim stabili din punct de vedere emotional.

Image credits: Toxel.com

Last night I watched again The Air I Breathe and the quote which opens the film made me think:

"No emotion, any more than a wave, can long retain its own individual form." - Henry Ward Beecher

The film is actually a drama underlining the Chinese proverb which says that there are four main emotions in life: happiness, pleasure, sorrow and love.

I was struck by the fact that we are extremely gregarious beings and we need others to validate our own experiences and emotions and even to procure them for us. A word or a look can change our internal state instantaneously, for better or for worst.

A friend was telling me at some point that the idea of economic crisis in Romania had no effect whatsoever on her for a long period of time. Her business was still functioning at the same parameters until the moment when, overwhelmed by what she was seeing on TV and hearing on the radio and around her, the idea of crises glued to her mind. And, then, she started to prove herself that there is a crisis and her business started to go down... Because she is an evolved person, she realised she was creating her future based on what others were allowing her to perceive as possible for her. She said "STOP" to herself and started again to believe that her business would flourish again and the change came. She started again to do everything possible so that her business functions properly.

A client was telling during one of our recent coaching sessions that he had done everything for being on the road, from the societal perspective. He has a beautiful family, money and a successful career, and, still, there is something missing, something which is not published in any book for success. At the end of the session, he said he knew what he wanted to work on during the next sessions: "I want to find my own path in life. I want to discover things that fulfill me and start doing them."

"I found Prince Charming! He is smart, handsome, successful, and he has everything a woman would want from a man!" was telling me another client. "And I don't know how to make him tell me he loves me. I ant someone to tell me he loves me, to tell me that I am beautiful and smart..." Instinctively I asked her: "What do YOU tell yourself?". She answered rather confused: "I don't think I love myself... And I don't know whether I am beautiful and clever... I always wait for the others to tell me." So, how can we expect others to do and say what we don't have the courage to do or say to ourselves?

Do we really want others to supply us with emotions which we are not capable of experiencing ourselves? Is this strategy sustainable on long term? I wonder how long we can feed on the emotions of others hoping that, at some point, a spark will light up our own emotions? And what do we do when the people 'supplying' us with happiness, pleasure or love, leave us? Do we search quickly for someone else to take their place? Yes, maybe it is easier others to catch the fish for us instead of just learning how to fish :)

And to cast away any shadow of a doubt, I am not saying we are emotionally self-sufficient. We need the people around us and we need to be aware of their influence on us, either good or bad, and to be emotionally stable.